Staying involved in your child’s life during a divorce is extremely important. While it may seem impossible to you to be “friends” or even communicate civilly with your ex-spouse, it’s essential for the best interest of your child because at the heart of everything your child needs to maintain healthy and strong relationships with both parents. This no doubt means you will have to make sacrifices and compromises to make it work, but it’s part and parcel of successful co-parenting.
While parents divorce each other and may wish that they never had to spend another moment with each other, kids have to live out the divorce. They are forced to establish daily routines split between two different households and often different parenting styles. Effective co-parenting consists of a number of things. Some examples include spending quality time with the child, working together to set boundaries, rules and consistency, and keeping your ex-spouse apprised of event’s in the child’s life including medical, social and school related issues. Experts also point out that it’s essential to be available for your child. Even if it’s not your week for visitation, make yourself easily accessible by phone, text or email. Ensure that you are doing are your best to listen and make them feel heard so they feel like their opinion is relevant and valued.
Most importantly, don’t take this sensitive time to reject, lecture or be judgmental of your child. Instead, vent to friends or close family and put your best foot forward in front of the kids. Studies show that recognizing your child’s positive behaviors instead of their negative creates a stronger and more supportive relationship. This is also not a time to start working long hours, take an extended vacation away or neglect the kids in any way. Rather, be reliable, on time and involved – do what you say you are going to do! Although you might be feeling like you need time to yourself to regroup, the impact of feeling estranged can have long-term consequences.
Children of divorce who feel estranged often have low self-esteem. They think that it’s their fault that the marriage dissolved and that mommy or daddy isn’t around anymore, and can easily become depressed. In the short term the child might show fear, a lack of trust of adults, and a lack of confidence. In the long-term children neglected by one or both parents show limited empathy, low emotional intelligence and an inability to establish and maintain strong relationships throughout their life.
The take away from all this is that every parent should focus on protecting his or her child during divorce. They are innocent in all of this and shouldn’t be punished in any way. They need extra love, support and praise. The other parent is still the child’s mom or dad and it’s important that you model a respectful attitude so the child will follow suit. And finally, your child will better survive the situation if you remain in close proximity, stay an integral part of his/her life and remain dependable.