Parents, grandparents and caregivers with children of any age can always benefit from taking a parenting class. Raising kids is a tough job and sometimes we are left wondering if we’re doing the right thing. We all have those days when we question the decisions we made, are regretful of how we responded to a naughty child, or just know we could be doing things better. One mom commented today that her 10-year-old twin boys have become increasingly disrespectful to her and she doesn’t know what to do to rein them back in. So where to start? Just resolving to be a better parent isn’t enough. It takes work to learn new skills or alter the ones you have and then commitment to implement those tools to make positive change.
There are some basic points that most psychologists and researchers agree help parents to take a step in the right direction.
1. Walk the Walk. Take a look at your own issues (sometimes from childhood) and learn to manage them. If you are stressed, anxious, fearful or angry and take it out on others, you can’t expect your kids to learn to behave appropriately. You are the role model in this picture so take the time to show your kids empathy, treat others with kindness, live honestly and speak respectfully. They are watching everything you do including how you handle the pets, how you treat their teachers, if you are on time to things and how you respond to people that make you mad.
2. Help your kids to learn emotional intelligence. Take the time to listen to their point of view and let them know you are aware of what their perspective is and accept it. Although you may not agree with it, giving them a forum to talk it out helps them gain confidence and a safe place to process their emotions. Empathize with their feelings and explain to them the flip side of things so they know how others might feel.
3. Listen closely and set clear consistent rules and repercussions. Your kids are acting up and you can’t take another minute! Before responding with screaming and anger, look beyond it to figure out what is motivating it. Is the child tired or hungry? Has she or he been bullied at school? Ask questions to figure out what is going on and then respond in a calm way since you’ve already learned that yelling doesn’t get you anywhere. Provide suggestions on how they could have handled the situation more appropriately and then impose the consequences.
4. Let your child experience disappointments. As parents, all we want to do is protect our kids from feeling hurt or sad. However, as long as he is physically safe, it is healthier to let him or her make mistakes. It’s part of the learning process and helps to build understanding, empathy and critical thinking skills for daily life. For example, instead of showing up at school each day with the lunch or homework they left behind, let them experience the consequences once in a while so they learn from their mistake.
5. Speak with them effectively. Angry, short-tempered responses only create more animosity. Instead speak calmly and let them know what you are feeling and don’t use words like “always”, “only” or “never”. For example, “When you won’t get into the car when I ask you to in the morning, I get worried that we will get stuck in traffic and make your sister late for school.” Explaining the effect of the child’s negative behavior on the family helps him to clearly see how it is hurting those around him.