Many of us who grew up in the ‘70’s ended up children of divorce. Divorce rates took a jump from around 25% in the ‘50s and ‘60’s to as high as 48% in 1975. When looking back and talking to friends about that time, everyone had a different take on the experience. Some were miserable and felt abandoned by one parent, others thrilled to get an overload of attention from parents feeling guilty. Instead of both parents being constantly exhausted, dad would swoop in on the weekends full of energy and take them away on fun-filled weekends while mom got to recuperate. Fortunately, we made it through that difficult time relatively unscathed and most have gone on to have thriving families of their own. However, the one thing that really resonates with all of us is the memory of how we were told about the divorce. It’s a moment that is never forgotten regardless of if we saw it coming, or were completely shocked by the news. In some families, the parents told the oldest child first and waited to tell the younger ones until right before the physical separation. In others, mom told the kids while dad was away at work. And in some situations, the parents told the kids before one last vacation away together.
What is the best way to tell your kids you are getting divorced? Years of research shows that it’s important to be together when you tell them and try to stay in the same home for at least a few days afterward so they don’t feel immediately abandoned. Some other important parenting strategies to help reduce the pain include:
1. Set a well thought out time to tell them the news together. It’s best not to do it right before school, an organized activity or bedtime. Leave enough time to answer their questions, cuddle them and resolve tears.
2. Keep it simple and clear. Don’t discuss any of the sordid details but instead present things in a positive light. Be sure to explain that it wasn’t an easy decision but that each of you will be happier and it will ultimately be better for everyone. Reassure them that it has nothing to do with them and they will continue to be loved. There will be two separate homes, but at each home they will be cared for, have all the things they need to feel comfortable and they will get to spend a lot of time with each parent. If possible, reiterate that they will continue going to the same school, have the same friends and that their daily life won’t change that much.
3. Listen and pay attention to their reactions. Have an honest discussion and don’t blame either parent for the divorce. It’s a joint decision that you both agreed on. Leave plenty of time to comfort them and don’t end it until they are ready to move on. Be prepared to continue answering questions for weeks to come as your kids absorb the impact it will have on their lives. Be watchful for increased anxiety, stomachaches, withdrawal, and changes in sleeping habits.
Move forward on a high note that this will not break your family. Things will stay as consistent as possible, mommy and daddy will continue to be at their school functions and after school activities and that they will be safe and cared for.